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If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
This kid will have a bright future.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
So that’s what we looked like?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food