[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?