If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
no their not
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Traveler’s camo
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog