Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.