STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx