i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
awkward
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos