More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
🤭😂
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer