Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..