Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
A French press is when you hug naked
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Cats are still liquid.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.