*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
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If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.