Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
buying dead houseplants to save time