I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
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[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.