(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon