I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
welcome back