Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah