*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.