If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Worlds greatest photobomb
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.