banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
You Might Also Like
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I hate my earbuds.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician