[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
he chose this
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”