Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”