“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.