My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Who’s your best friend?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
new shirt idea
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving