“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.