When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees