art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
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A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem