Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.