With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?