Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u