If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now