COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
This could be us… but you playing
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb