I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.