My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.