Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.