My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
You Might Also Like
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
prepare for carbonated trouble
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count