It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”