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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Happy Thanksgiving
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.