“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I saw nothing
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.