Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
TRAIN’S HERE
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that