A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You Might Also Like
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
fr
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements