Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?