Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
You Might Also Like
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna