my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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our love story in four pictures
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
When he asks for feet pics
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing