If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.