Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I have obtained a hat
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.