My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Real House Wines.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.