A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Don’t touch that.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.