*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
These 3D printers are insane!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?