Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.