I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
OMG 🤣🤣
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes