I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.